by Astrid Butt
The XYZ I’m responding to is female trauma.
There is a girl walking alone through the rain. She is dragging along a long line of bloody underwear. She is not alone. There is always someone trailing behind her. She is walking in circles.
How do we respond to painful experiences? Emotions are angry and ugly and something not-so easily palatable for a public gallery space. We find ourselves responding to things in the most maddening ways: replaying experiences over and over, orbiting around the same anxieties, poking at raw wounds.
From ugly experiences spawns an ugly, warped, monstrous kind of desire. I want to rip my skin off I want to scream until my lungs pop I want to be looked at I want to disappear I want to shrink I want to stuff my face I want to pull myself apart I want I want I want I want. I want to break something I want to feel hot blood trickle through my fingers I want to be adored I want to be left alone.
My video art piece ‘have i been walking in circles again?’ began as a sculptural piece: several pairs of underwear that had been tarnished beyond recognition, with dirt, water, food, and fire, and then written on in ink or paint, were tied into a 4m long line. Some pairs are purposely made to appear bloody, suggesting menstruation or sexual violence. The messages on each pair were different: words like “QUEASY” and “BLUSH”, a quote from an article about Britney Spears shaving her head, an excerpt of a cruel email Yolanda Hadid sent to her daughter.
It became a performance when I took it outside. By walking the sculpture around the city, I brought private horrors into the public sphere. By condensing it into a video, I am making it more public, but with a degree of intimacy.
Seeing this work operate in tandem with 6 other talented artists’ pieces is a pleasant reminder that everyone is responding to their own XYZ. It is an enlightening look into other peoples’ perception of outside forces, and the love and pain and joy and anger that goes into everyone’s personal response. As we share our work in an online space, we are forced into vulnerability with each other and with you.
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